An interesting article on collaborative law

Collaborative family law has been in the news recently, with Robin Williams and his wife publicly stating that they are committed to the process. Another article from NJ is reproduced below.

McGreeveys: A model of how not to break up
Posted by djcohen June 11, 2008 07:08AM
Can this divorce be saved?

As the court battle between former governor Jim McGreevey and his wife, Dina Matos, is putting the "ugh" in ugly, other couples may wonder how to recuperate after a similarly brutal split.


Yet it is possible for divorcing parents to rebuild a functioning relationship -- even if the divorce itself has piled on the hurt, divorce experts say.

The highly publicized McGreevey dispute has even served as a wake-up call for at least a few couples who have realized this is a road they don't want to go down.

"They see that on TV and they say, 'We don't want to be like that. We know we can't be like that,'" said Linda Piff, a Wall Township attorney who specializes in "collaborative divorce." She reports an uptick in calls from clients who cite the McGreeveys.

In a collaborative divorce, both sides agree to avoid formal litigation as a means of deciding custody and support issues. Instead, a negotiating team includes one accountant instead of his-and-her dueling accountants, one child expert instead of two.

Its goal is a divorce that is quicker, cheaper and less destructive to the parties and their children.

In a litigated divorce, nearly anything about the relationship can be turned into a weapon. Collaborative divorce lawyer Christine Heer, of Bridgewater, cites the example of one parent who rarely puts the kids to bed. That arrangement may have been fine during the marriage.

"Now, in the divorce, it's a huge flaw and makes someone not qualified to have overnight parent visitations," she noted.

But even couples who stick with a traditional divorce can take steps to keep bitterness and rage from calling the shots:

Think of the future. Spouses should envision the day they become grandparents, advises Carolyn Ellis, author of "The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid so Your Children Thrive After Divorce."

How do they want that day to go? What kind of relationships do they want to have? Working their way backwards, what steps should they take now to get on a path towards that goal?

Look at your own role in the failed relationship, says Ellis. Most people resist this step, but it is an essential one. "The common denominator in all our relationships is ourselves," she says. "You can get lessons out of this relationship -- or you can get them out of the next one."

Grieve, said Mary McCarthy, a Manasquan social worker who serves as a "divorce coach" in collaborative divorces. "You have to first acknowledge that divorce is a grief process. You're losing a role -- the role of a wife or husband. You're losing a lifestyle. Perhaps you're losing hands-on parenting time," she said. "When people are shown how to recognize that, they don't get so crazy."

Know that the courts can't make you emotionally whole. "It becomes all about winning and losing. People get caught up and they think, 'This is the only way I'll get justice,'" said Heer. "But the courts can only do so much."

Heer, who is also a licensed therapist, helps run a workshop called "Divorce and New Beginnings" at Bunker Hill Consultation Center in Princeton. It is designed to help people put divorce behind them. (There are cases in which one spouse keeps returning to court after the divorce, constantly seeking adjustments to the settlement. "Sometimes they do what I call 'litigation-stalk' the other person," Heer said.)

Realize that a protracted court battle merely continues to give the other person power over you. "Some people have that old habit of looking to that one person to give them something they may not be able to provide," said Ellis. Trying to extract an apology or get someone to admit they were wrong is a waste of energy.

Lower your standards on the small stuff. For example, McCarthy said she often finds that mothers resist weeknight visitations at Dad's. The moms complain homework doesn't get checked, or hair doesn't get shampooed. "I tell them, 'You have to look at 'good enough.'"

A mother who bites her tongue over trivial complaints will eventually be rewarded for her discipline. "In the long term, she won't become someone who's always running negative propaganda against her ex," McCarthy said.

By contrast, going to the mat over every issue, no matter how petty, is a surefire map to becoming stressed, exhausted and physically ill, said Ellis.

Know the intense feelings triggered by the divorce case will pass eventually. "Divorce has its tempo, and until that gavel comes down, you're in the fight for your life," McCarthy said. "But once that gavel does come down, you get a little more clear-headed."