We can’t afford the house and a divorce- the impact of the housing crisis on separation

Its becoming a sadly familiar scenario. A couple can barely pay the mortgage and expenses every month with their joint incomes. Divorce is on the horizon. The parties want to separate but cannot afford to live apart. What is there to do?

Unfortunately, there is no magic solution. Neither judges nor lawyers can make a house sell or create more money than that which exists. We can only deal with what is there. Mortgages and expenses must be paid. And, if there isn’t enough money to go around, those who desire to separate may have to continue living together. Needless to say, this is far easier said than done. The stresses which may have caused the parties to split up are now keeping them under the same roof. The tension, which has already escalated reaches an all time high and there is no immediate out.

But this doesn’t mean that the situation must escalate into a scene from “War of the Roses”. Here are a couple of ground rules which can, and should be followed in these situations:

1. Sell, even if it means selling out: If it simply isn’t financially feasible to maintain the house, it needs to be sold. Yes, the housing market is a dreary place for sellers these days, but there are situations where parties must simply cut their losses. Engage the services of a trusted realtor, accept their suggestions as to listing and selling prices and be willing to lower the price even further. The goal in these situations is to get the house sold as soon as possible, not to realize maximum profit on the investment. Sell at whatever price a buyer is willing to buy (and cross your fingers that the buyer can obtain financing).
2. Separate as much as possible: You still need to live with your spouse during this time, but it is crucial that both of you create as much personal space as possible and respect each other’s boundaries. One of you remains in possession of the master bedroom and the other takes over a spare room. Each of you is permitted to lock the door on your new “residence” and neither enters the space of the other. While this may be painfully reminiscent of your college dorm room days, keep in mind the situation is temporary and it’s the best you can do under the circumstances.
3. Communicate, as little as possible: Keep your communications limited to matters concerning children, if you have any and/or bills and expenses that need to be paid. Avoid any other topics- divorce and the reasons behind it, what your lawyer said to you today, what your friends/family think of your spouse, etc. If a discussion becomes heated, you both (or one of you if the other is unwilling) need to each go to your own rooms. If communication becomes impossible without strain or shouting, limit your communication to email only.
4. Respect your neighbor: If you were living with a roommate, you would be courteous and not play music too loud, be unnecessarily noisy in the early morning or late evening hours or question the activities of your roommate. The same rules apply to the present situation. Do not use this situation as an opportunity to goad your spouse into an argument or you will only make the situation worse.

The above is clearly not a good situation, but one that is becoming more common in the current housing market. In pending divorce cases, I have incorporated the above groundrules into agreed orders which was signed by a judge, which forces the parties to comply under penalty of sanctions. Sometimes it even works, although no one is particularly happy about it. It has, in some instances, encouraged parties to aggressively market their homes for sale.