Do-it-yourself divorce is becoming more popular these days, especially among those who feel that they can’t afford to divorce. Many divorcing couples also fear that hiring divorce lawyers will lead to emotional and costly battles over children, property and finances, so they are opting for the do it yourself divorce. There are a wide range of options for DIY divorce, including using an online divorce service, obtaining a large pile of divorce forms from the Clerk’s office, mediation or hiring a divorce lawyer to draft or review a Marital Settlement Agreement. The DIY divorce may not work for many, but it also may be the only financially feasible option for those who cannot afford to divorce. No article can take the place of legal advice- but this five part series will give some tips for the do-it-yourself divorce process.
Before embarking on a do-it-yourself divorce, it is important to know what the issues are and what you can and should expect in terms of timesharing, support (child support and alimony, if it applies) and dividing property and liabilities. It is highly encouraged that the first step should be to consult with a divorce attorney. While this is the step that most do it yourself divorce seekers want to avoid, it is crucial to have an understanding of divorce law and your rights. Too many times people in do it yourself divorce situations enter into a settlement agreement and forget to include things only to find out later that either they have waived their rights or that they will now have to spend even more money clarifying their Marital Settlement Agreement. A free divorce consultation may sound tempting, but will likely be a brief meeting with little information provided about how to go forward with the divorce process. It is recommended that you have a thorough initial consultation with a divorce attorney to discuss your children, proposed timesharing, your income, assets and liabilities. During this initial divorce consultation, a divorce lawyer can give you suggestions on how to divide property, calculate child support and divide assets. A divorce lawyer can also discuss with you the information you need to gather in order to make decisions as well as the potential problems that may arise. The cost of an initial divorce consultation may be a small price to pay considering what is at stake.
During an initial divorce consultation, there are several items that must be addressed. If you have children, your divorce lawyer should explain to you the changes in Florida law regarding parenting plans and time sharing. Florida law now requires a parenting plan in all divorce cases, so your do it yourself divorce plan should take this into consideration. You can also discuss with your divorce attorney whether or not to include extras such as college tuition and extracurricular activities. During the initial divorce consultation, your divorce attorney can also review the particulars of your financial situation, especially the big concern for most do it yourself divorce seekers, which is the residence. Your divorce lawyer can discuss with you whether you should keep your house or sell it, who will live in the house until it is is sold and how you will pay not only the monthly bills but any expenses and repairs that arise. In order to have a complete Marital Settlement Agreement, you need to be aware of these concerns.
These are just a few of the concerns you need to discuss with a divorce lawyer. There may be more depending on your specific situation. In the next article, I will discuss how to become familiar with your financial situation and how to deal with questions about assets, liabilities and income.
The information included in this article has been prepared by Lori Barkus, Esq. for information purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for legal advise from your own legal counsel. Transmission of such information is not intended to create, and receipt does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship between Lori Barkus, Esq. and the receiver. No information in this article should be acted upon any person, entity or firm without first obtaining proper legal advise. Please feel free to contact us for a free case evaluation. However, be advised that the act of sending electronic mail or any telephone communication with Lori Barkus, Esq. or Lori Barkus P.A. does not in and of itself create an attorney-client relationship.
The hiring of a lawyer is an important decision that should not be based solely upon advertisements or articles written by the attorney. Before you decide, ask us to send you free written information about our qualifications and experience.
Showing posts with label deciding to divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deciding to divorce. Show all posts
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Should I stay or should I go?
At times, divorce attorneys are asked by clients whether the client should end his/her marriage. Although I will discuss the legal and financial consequences of either decision. I do not believe this is a question an attorney should answer. Instead, I tell clients that this is an extremely personal decision that only they or their spouse can make. I also suggest speaking to a mental health professional.
The following is an article written by such a professional, reprinted with permission by Divorce magazine.
Knowing If You Should Stay or Go
by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW
While there are no quick, easy answers and no "one size fits all" reasons to offer, I will give you parameters within which to gauge whether or not you should remain married to your spouse or leave. I can't give you your answer. I can only guide you to find your truth for this moment. Your part will be to follow along and read with honest introspection so you can identify your answer.
When I meet for the first time with a client who is considering divorce, I can often get a sense of whether the scales are tipped toward staying or leaving from the reason he or she gives for wanting to stay married.
If the desire to stay married is based on moving toward a goal, the person is more likely to stay married; for example, "I want to raise my children in one house with two parents" or "I want to work on my anger issues and get on the other side of them."
On the other hand, when people explain that they are staying in the marriage to avoid pain or fear, this indicates that the marriage hasn't much glue, and such marriages aren't as likely to endure; for instance, "I'm staying because I'm afraid of not seeing my children every day," "I don't know how I'd make ends meet without my spouse," or "No one will ever love me like this again."
Once I hear the reasoning for staying in the marriage, I ask why the client might want to get a divorce. The same rule applies: those who are contemplating leaving to move toward a goal are more likely to actually leave than those who are averting pain or potential consequences. Examples of going toward a goal or away from a fear are "I want more out of life than staying in an unhappy marriage" or "I need to get away from this abuse."
Even though all of these reasons have merit and sound powerful, you may wonder how I know that the person who is moving toward a goal will more likely take action than the one who is running away from or trying to avoid pain. The answer is simple: fear.
Those who are motivated primarily by avoiding pain are usually fear-based people. These people see the world through the eyes of whatever problems and negative repercussions might arise from their actions. They are often imprisoned by their fears, not only as they pertain to deciding whether to stay in or leave their marriages, but in all areas of their lives. These people will more likely stay small, unhappy, and unfulfilled with the thought that they will remain safe.
Action-based people have the opposite view of the world. When they set their sights on a goal, they see what opportunities and benefits might come from moving forward. These people are more willing to take risks and go for what they want. They will also less likely settle for less than what they believe they deserve.
Of course, you can be partially both fear- and action-based, but whichever mode is dominant will usually win the arguments in your mind about whether to stay or go. The good news is that these aspects are not necessarily set in stone. If you are primarily a fear-based person but would rather be action-based, you can push through your fears and accomplish your goals. Most people need some training or support to make these changes, but it is an alteration that anyone can make.
In addition to examining fear-avoidant versus goal-oriented behaviors in the decision-making process, I look at whose needs are driving the decision. In a decision as big as whether or not to stay married, it is imperative that you consider the possible ramifications your leaving may have on others, but you must also balance that with your own needs. Where I see people go wrong in such a decision is when they forgo their own needs and focus primarily on meeting the needs of their spouses or children, or, on the contrary, they consider only their own needs and ignore the potential impact on their children and spouses.
I've had countless clients tell me that they don't want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse's income, only eventually to realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities. The spouse doesn't contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.
On awakening to this fact and confirming that they had done everything possible to improve their relationships, most of these clients immediately filed the divorce paperwork. And for almost all of these folks, letting go of the unhealthy relationship was the best decision they'd ever made. Rather than becoming harder, life actually got much easier, because they no longer had the added burden of taking care of the people who were supposed to be their partners or dealing with the many negative emotions their spouses elicited from them. What they had feared prior to taking action never manifested. They realized that they had postponed their own fulfillment and happiness for months, sometimes years.
The Workability Factors
There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable. There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will ever be healthy or fulfilling. I call these the workability factors.
If both parties are willing to put in the work that the marriage requires, the chances of the problems and issues being resolved increase dramatically. However, even when both spouses want the marriage to last, there are some situations that lack enough of the necessary ingredients to keep it afloat.
The marital hierarchy of needs consists of five levels of needs: survival, safety, love, esteem, and actualization. The workability factors are really only pertinent to the three middle-level needs -- safety, love, and esteem needs -- because if a marriage has descended to survival mode, it is, by definition, not a workable situation. On the other hand, if a marriage operates at the actualization level, it is a highly functioning marriage, whose lower-level needs are met.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW is founder and executive director of the Transition Institute of Marin, an agency that provides coaching, therapy, and workshops to people who are at some stage of marital dissolution, in the greater San Francisco Bay Area. This article has been edited and excerpted with permission from Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (New Harbinger Publications, 2008).
The following is an article written by such a professional, reprinted with permission by Divorce magazine.
Knowing If You Should Stay or Go
by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW
While there are no quick, easy answers and no "one size fits all" reasons to offer, I will give you parameters within which to gauge whether or not you should remain married to your spouse or leave. I can't give you your answer. I can only guide you to find your truth for this moment. Your part will be to follow along and read with honest introspection so you can identify your answer.
When I meet for the first time with a client who is considering divorce, I can often get a sense of whether the scales are tipped toward staying or leaving from the reason he or she gives for wanting to stay married.
If the desire to stay married is based on moving toward a goal, the person is more likely to stay married; for example, "I want to raise my children in one house with two parents" or "I want to work on my anger issues and get on the other side of them."
On the other hand, when people explain that they are staying in the marriage to avoid pain or fear, this indicates that the marriage hasn't much glue, and such marriages aren't as likely to endure; for instance, "I'm staying because I'm afraid of not seeing my children every day," "I don't know how I'd make ends meet without my spouse," or "No one will ever love me like this again."
Once I hear the reasoning for staying in the marriage, I ask why the client might want to get a divorce. The same rule applies: those who are contemplating leaving to move toward a goal are more likely to actually leave than those who are averting pain or potential consequences. Examples of going toward a goal or away from a fear are "I want more out of life than staying in an unhappy marriage" or "I need to get away from this abuse."
Even though all of these reasons have merit and sound powerful, you may wonder how I know that the person who is moving toward a goal will more likely take action than the one who is running away from or trying to avoid pain. The answer is simple: fear.
Those who are motivated primarily by avoiding pain are usually fear-based people. These people see the world through the eyes of whatever problems and negative repercussions might arise from their actions. They are often imprisoned by their fears, not only as they pertain to deciding whether to stay in or leave their marriages, but in all areas of their lives. These people will more likely stay small, unhappy, and unfulfilled with the thought that they will remain safe.
Action-based people have the opposite view of the world. When they set their sights on a goal, they see what opportunities and benefits might come from moving forward. These people are more willing to take risks and go for what they want. They will also less likely settle for less than what they believe they deserve.
Of course, you can be partially both fear- and action-based, but whichever mode is dominant will usually win the arguments in your mind about whether to stay or go. The good news is that these aspects are not necessarily set in stone. If you are primarily a fear-based person but would rather be action-based, you can push through your fears and accomplish your goals. Most people need some training or support to make these changes, but it is an alteration that anyone can make.
In addition to examining fear-avoidant versus goal-oriented behaviors in the decision-making process, I look at whose needs are driving the decision. In a decision as big as whether or not to stay married, it is imperative that you consider the possible ramifications your leaving may have on others, but you must also balance that with your own needs. Where I see people go wrong in such a decision is when they forgo their own needs and focus primarily on meeting the needs of their spouses or children, or, on the contrary, they consider only their own needs and ignore the potential impact on their children and spouses.
I've had countless clients tell me that they don't want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse's income, only eventually to realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities. The spouse doesn't contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.
On awakening to this fact and confirming that they had done everything possible to improve their relationships, most of these clients immediately filed the divorce paperwork. And for almost all of these folks, letting go of the unhealthy relationship was the best decision they'd ever made. Rather than becoming harder, life actually got much easier, because they no longer had the added burden of taking care of the people who were supposed to be their partners or dealing with the many negative emotions their spouses elicited from them. What they had feared prior to taking action never manifested. They realized that they had postponed their own fulfillment and happiness for months, sometimes years.
The Workability Factors
There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable. There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will ever be healthy or fulfilling. I call these the workability factors.
If both parties are willing to put in the work that the marriage requires, the chances of the problems and issues being resolved increase dramatically. However, even when both spouses want the marriage to last, there are some situations that lack enough of the necessary ingredients to keep it afloat.
The marital hierarchy of needs consists of five levels of needs: survival, safety, love, esteem, and actualization. The workability factors are really only pertinent to the three middle-level needs -- safety, love, and esteem needs -- because if a marriage has descended to survival mode, it is, by definition, not a workable situation. On the other hand, if a marriage operates at the actualization level, it is a highly functioning marriage, whose lower-level needs are met.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW is founder and executive director of the Transition Institute of Marin, an agency that provides coaching, therapy, and workshops to people who are at some stage of marital dissolution, in the greater San Francisco Bay Area. This article has been edited and excerpted with permission from Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (New Harbinger Publications, 2008).
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