The Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Men

Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Men

In the last article, I listed the seven common mistakes women make in the midst of a divorce. Men are also prone to errors that can have a lasting impact on their divorce settlements or lives beyond the final judgment. Below is a list of the seven deadly sins of men, or Dad’s, or Ex-Husband’s, whichever the case or appropriate label may be.

1. Fighting for principle: “I will go to court at all costs” and “it is the principle of the thing” are two statements I hear from male clients in negotiations gone south or cases headed to trial. While I never have and never would tell anyone to go against their principles, I caution divorcing clients about the price tag attached to their principles and whether the value gained is worth what is lost as a result. Anyone who finds themselves fighting for “the principle of the thing” should ask themselves what they are really fighting for and if the “at all cost” is worth it.

2. Underestimating child support expenses: Florida’s child support guidelines are supposed to be the anticipated amount each parent should contribute towards the support of their children. But I have seen few, if any Moms or Dads who feel the child support number is “just right” or even right at all. On Dad’s side, there is a common misconception that child support payments are used to fund the now extravagant lifestyle of Mom, rather than benefit the children. In the average household, this is simply not the case. In many instances, child support covers food, clothing, housing and all those little extras that come along, such as school field trips, projects, lunch money, etc. As all parents know, those expenses really do add up. Unless Dad is a professional athlete or celebrity, the guideline amount, while not exactly right in either party’s mind, will not allow Mom to purchase diamonds and firs.

3. The joint custody battle: Websites are devoted to this topic and it’s a popular question in my office as well. When Dad comes in and states that he wants joint custody, I always ask what that means to him. I then ask if he’s comfortable committing to living within a short distance from mom and the kids until they reach 18. In a good number of cases, rotating custody works quite well. But there are those who do not understand the concept or who think they are limited to either “joint” custody or being the “weekend dad”. Unless there are extraordinary circumstances to justify sole custody, Dad remains a decision maker, stays in frequent contact with the kids and continues to coach soccer, softball or any other activities he enjoyed with the kids, with or without “joint custody”. There are many alternatives in between the seemingly all or nothing positions and it is important that Dad know about and consider these options before taking a stance or declaring a “custody battle”.

4. Taking control: While more and more marriages involve equal income earners, or Mom’s outearning Dad’s, this is a popular mistake made by divorcing Dads in what are usually labeled “traditional marriages.” Dad is the breadwinner and decision maker. This Dad may not want to give Mom her share of assets or child support or alimony, whatever the case may be, as Dad believes Mom will not be financially responsible. This Dad forgets the Declaration of Independence portion of divorce- the concept that both parties live separate and free. Mom is responsible for herself, and the kids if the kids live with her. Courts do not allow Dad to monitor Mom’s spending and do not require Mom to account to Dad for this spending. The judge will impose this requirement and fighting for it is a sure way to lose.

5. The alimony dilemma: There are many alimony jokes for a reason. No one likes to pay it. This includes men and women, who are paying alimony more and more these days. But, in that “traditional” model again, its Dad paying alimony to Mom, or, in cases where there are no children, Ex-Husband paying Ex-Wife. Florida law provides guidelines for whether alimony will be paid. In some facts and circumstances, alimony is a given, and, in some of these instances, permanent alimony is guaranteed. I’ve had clients who would do anything to “buy out” this alimony obligation and some that just had to accept it as reality. In some financial circumstances, it is possible to make a lump sum buy out of alimony. The question is whether it is in the parties best interest. This, of course, depends on the facts and circumstances. The no alimony at all costs Dad/Ex-Husband should seek the advice of a trusted attorney to and, in many instances, an accountant, to find out the options or whether there are options in the alimony dilemma.

6. Separated and not equal: This, again, addresses the “traditional” situation of Dad as breadwinner. Dad worked and brought home the paycheck. Mom may have stayed home and raised the kids. Or maybe someone else raised the kids. Or maybe there were no kids and Mom, or, rather, Ex Wife, just stayed home. This Dad/ Ex Husband thinks that since he earned more than Mom/ Ex Wife that he gets a greater share of the assets. In the majority of cases in Florida, what was earned by the marriage, by Dad, Mom, Ex Husband, Ex Wife, interest, appreciation or otherwise, is marital and what is marital is divided equally. If Mom worked less than Dad, or Ex Wife did not work at all, spouses are equal partners in the marriage. Dad may hate it, Ex-Husband may hate it even more, but this is the likely outcome.

7. Not giving an inch to avoid the extra mile: This mistake is similar to the principle argument that can derail settlement or prolong a case beyond what may be necessary. There are often issues which are minor in the big picture but which become emotional sticking points. When clients negotiate, they are asked to give up certain things and make concessions in order to reach an agreement. What can happen is that Mom/Ex Wife is “sweating the small stuff” as discussed in the previous article and asking for one seemingly little extra that Dad/Ex Husband doesn’t want to give, if for no other reason than that Dad/Ex Husband feels he has already given too much. A fine example of a disagreement that isn’t worth the time spent arguing it is the division of frequent flier miles, which have minimal cash value. But when this one last request for ½ of the hard earned miles comes in at the end of a long negotiation, it may often turn into a sticking point and cause both sides to spend more money discussing the item than what its really worth. In some instances, there is greater value saved by giving in than the value that is lost by continuing to disagree.

Divorce is undoubtedly emotional and men and women, generally speaking, react differently in the face of the emotional crisis. While the reaction is understandable, the financial and prolonged emotional consequence can be avoided in some instances. The key to avoiding these mistakes lies in knowing when to advocate for something and knowing when to give in.