Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Men

Keeping it fair and balanced. Here is the list for the men:

Men are also prone to errors that can have a lasting impact on their divorce settlements or lives beyond the final judgment. Below is a list of the seven deadly sins of men, or Dad’s, or Ex-Husband’s, whichever the case or appropriate label may be.

1. Fighting for principle: “I will go to court at all costs” and “it is the principle of the thing” are two statements I hear from male clients in negotiations gone south or cases headed to trial. While I never have and never would tell anyone to go against their principles, I caution divorcing clients about the price tag attached to their principles and whether the value gained is worth what is lost as a result. Anyone who finds themselves fighting for “the principle of the thing” should ask themselves what they are really fighting for and if the “at all cost” is worth it.

2. Underestimating child support expenses: Florida’s child support guidelines are supposed to be the anticipated amount each parent should contribute towards the support of their children. But I have seen few, if any Moms or Dads who feel the child support number is “just right” or even right at all. On Dad’s side, there is a common misconception that child support payments are used to fund the now extravagant lifestyle of Mom, rather than benefit the children. In the average household, this is simply not the case. In many instances, child support covers food, clothing, housing and all those little extras that come along, such as school field trips, projects, lunch money, etc. As all parents know, those expenses really do add up. Unless Dad is a professional athlete or celebrity, the guideline amount, while not exactly right in either party’s mind, will not allow Mom to purchase diamonds and firs.

3. The joint custody battle: Websites are devoted to this topic and it’s a popular question in my office as well. When Dad comes in and states that he wants joint custody, I always ask what that means to him. I then ask if he’s comfortable committing to living within a short distance from mom and the kids until they reach 18. In a good number of cases, rotating custody works quite well. But there are those who do not understand the concept or who think they are limited to either “joint” custody or being the “weekend dad”. Unless there are extraordinary circumstances to justify sole custody, Dad remains a decision maker, stays in frequent contact with the kids and continues to coach soccer, softball or any other activities he enjoyed with the kids, with or without “joint custody”. There are many alternatives in between the seemingly all or nothing positions and it is important that Dad know about and consider these options before taking a stance or declaring a “custody battle”.

4. Taking control: While more and more marriages involve equal income earners, or Mom’s outearning Dad’s, this is a popular mistake made by divorcing Dads in what are usually labeled “traditional marriages.” Dad is the breadwinner and decision maker. This Dad may not want to give Mom her share of assets or child support or alimony, whatever the case may be, as Dad believes Mom will not be financially responsible. This Dad forgets the Declaration of Independence portion of divorce- the concept that both parties live separate and free. Mom is responsible for herself, and the kids if the kids live with her. Courts do not allow Dad to monitor Mom’s spending and do not require Mom to account to Dad for this spending. The judge will impose this requirement and fighting for it is a sure way to lose.

5. The alimony dilemma: There are many alimony jokes for a reason. No one likes to pay it. This includes men and women, who are paying alimony more and more these days. But, in that “traditional” model again, its Dad paying alimony to Mom, or, in cases where there are no children, Ex-Husband paying Ex-Wife. Florida law provides guidelines for whether alimony will be paid. In some facts and circumstances, alimony is a given, and, in some of these instances, permanent alimony is guaranteed. I’ve had clients who would do anything to “buy out” this alimony obligation and some that just had to accept it as reality. In some financial circumstances, it is possible to make a lump sum buy out of alimony. The question is whether it is in the parties best interest. This, of course, depends on the facts and circumstances. The no alimony at all costs Dad/Ex-Husband should seek the advice of a trusted attorney to and, in many instances, an accountant, to find out the options or whether there are options in the alimony dilemma.

6. Separated and not equal: This, again, addresses the “traditional” situation of Dad as breadwinner. Dad worked and brought home the paycheck. Mom may have stayed home and raised the kids. Or maybe someone else raised the kids. Or maybe there were no kids and Mom, or, rather, Ex Wife, just stayed home. This Dad/ Ex Husband thinks that since he earned more than Mom/ Ex Wife that he gets a greater share of the assets. In the majority of cases in Florida, what was earned by the marriage, by Dad, Mom, Ex Husband, Ex Wife, interest, appreciation or otherwise, is marital and what is marital is divided equally. If Mom worked less than Dad, or Ex Wife did not work at all, spouses are equal partners in the marriage. Dad may hate it, Ex-Husband may hate it even more, but this is the likely outcome.

7. Not giving an inch to avoid the extra mile: This mistake is similar to the principle argument that can derail settlement or prolong a case beyond what may be necessary. There are often issues which are minor in the big picture but which become emotional sticking points. When clients negotiate, they are asked to give up certain things and make concessions in order to reach an agreement. What can happen is that Mom/Ex Wife is “sweating the small stuff” as discussed in the previous article and asking for one seemingly little extra that Dad/Ex Husband doesn’t want to give, if for no other reason than that Dad/Ex Husband feels he has already given too much. A fine example of a disagreement that isn’t worth the time spent arguing it is the division of frequent flier miles, which have minimal cash value. But when this one last request for ½ of the hard earned miles comes in at the end of a long negotiation, it may often turn into a sticking point and cause both sides to spend more money discussing the item than what its really worth. In some instances, there is greater value saved by giving in than the value that is lost by continuing to disagree.

Divorce is undoubtedly emotional and men and women, generally speaking, react differently in the face of the emotional crisis. While the reaction is understandable, the financial and prolonged emotional consequence can be avoided in some instances. The key to avoiding these mistakes lies in knowing when to advocate for something and knowing when to give in.

Seven Deadly Sins of Divorcing Women

We have all heard of the seven deadly sins, and most of us can name at least a few. When it comes to women and divorce, the transgressions are not gluttony, envy or pride, but they can be quite damaging. Below is a list of what I call the seven deadly sins, or biggest mistakes commonly committed by divorcing women.

1. Asking for too little: Women often feel guilty about divorce and responsible for their spouse. As a result, women often shortchange themselves in divorce settlements, accepting less than they deserve or, in some cases, less than what they need to live. I strongly encourage my clients to work towards settlement, but also stress that settlement must be fair. Under Florida law, both parties are equal partners to a marriage and there is no fault in ending it. The main goal of settlement is not just to close the marriage chapter but to make sure both parties have enough resources to go forward. Settling for less than an equal share and not enough for the wife and children to live on is simply not fair.

2. Asking too much: On the opposite side of the spectrum, some women have unrealistic expectations about what to expect from a divorce settlement. Rather than listening to their lawyers, many seek the advice of friends, relatives and others who divulge the details of their divorce settlements as though they are the norm, rather than the outcome of their specific set of circumstances. Many couples spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars litigating their divorce because one party believes they are entitled to more than the law will allow. Much like the deadly sin of greed, unrealistic expectations can be emotionally and financially costly.

3. Avoiding confrontation: By nature and nurture, women are taught to be non-confrontational while men are taught to be assertive. Men tend to have less trouble taking a strong stand while negotiating or litigating. Many women tend to want to keep the peace and, even in the midst of a divorce, will back off from asserting a reasonable position or pursuing something to which they are entitled. While most divorces can, and should, be settled, there are instances where it is necessary to go forward. In a highly emotional state, it is difficult, if not impossible to know the difference. But not taking a stand can be as costly an error as taking an unreasonable one.

4. Sweating the small stuff: Divorce is emotional for both parties, but men and women handle it differently. Men tend to hide their emotions by fighting or withdrawing while women allow their feelings greater reign. While this is an important part of the healing process, it leads many women to focus on details which, while important, are not legally relevant. This, in turn, leads to a lack of focus on the important aspects and increased costs as a result of fighting over things that are not worth the money spent to litigate them.

5. Paying to high a price for comfort and security: One of the first questions my female clients ask is whether they can keep the home. One of the first questions I ask them is whether they should. Many women will sacrifice everything to remain in the marital home. While it is the right decision if financial circumstances allow for it, maintaining a large mortgage and household expenses can leave a woman with an overwhelming financial burden. Deciding to stay in the home, either by buying out your spouse or taking the home in place of alimony, is not a decision that should be made for emotional reasons, but for sound financial ones.

6. Forgetting that knowledge is power: More and more women are wage earners, but a significant percentage still have no knowledge of joint assets and finances. One party, in many cases, the husband, makes all financial decisions. At the outset of divorce, women in this situation spend considerable time and money investigating the financial picture and, in worst case situations, trying to locate hidden assets. Those who are equal partners in financial decisions or, at least, have knowledge of money expenses, accounts and assets, are in a far better bargaining position.

7. Waiting too long: Many people, men and women alike, take a long time to reach the difficult decision to end a marriage. Trying everything to make it work, a step I highly support, is one thing; but there are those who, when faced with the knowledge that their partner is depleting assets or even planning for divorce, take the hiding-their-head-in-the-sand approach and do nothing for a period of time. It is understandable that it takes a great deal of strength to reach the decision to divorce, but, in these circumstances, waiting too long can prove disastrous. By the time these women file for divorce, debts may have become too large to handle without liquidating assets and money may have disappeared without a trace.

Finding the right lawyer at the right time can help avoid these costly mistakes. A knowledgeable and neutral advocate can provide much needed advice at this difficult time. Even if the woman has engaged in any of this costly behavior, a divorce attorney can help reverse the damage before an agreement is reached and the case is closed, preventing a costly mistake from having a permanent outcome.

Florida alimony changes: new options

Florida divorce law has been given a big change with the passing of a recent bill. Florida judges now have a new option in awarding alimony. known as durational alimony. The law is designed to address situations where permanent alimony is not the best option, but is the only option available. Florida law has prevuously recognized gray area marriages- those of more than a dozen or so years- as situations where permanent alimony may not be appropriate. Now, in those situations, a Florida judge can award durational alimony. An award of durational alimony is for a period of years and can be modified or terminated.

It is too soon to know whether the law will effect cases already pending or divorce already filed or how often durational alimony will be used. When it comes to alimony, entitlement and number of years for alimony are always decided on a case by case basis. Those who have specific questions about their Florida alimony case should contact a Florida family law lawyer for advice.

Florida Courts experience backlog with child support cases

With job and income losses, more and more people are filing for modification of child support. And many can't afford lawyer. It appears that the Court system cannot handle the backlog of cases and people are waiting up to six months for their day in court.


http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/03/03/1509258/child-support-cases-tie-up-courts.html?story_link=email_msg

No really, you keep it: The one asset that neither party wants

In this time of recession and falling home prices, neither party wants to keep the house anymore. As this article illustrates, there are options to break the We Can't Afford the House deadlock. Word to the wise: simply quit claiming the house to your spouse does not get you off the hook for the mortgage. Make sure you are protected credit wise and against a possible foreclosure in the future.

Read the article

Lousy spouse? There's a website for that

In a previous post, I discussed why posting details about your divorce on Facebook is not a good thing. For those of you who just can't get away from blogging, there is a website where you can do so and attempt to remain anonymous. I say attempt because there is no way to keep information anonymous when you post it on the internet. For those of you in the middle of a divorce, keep in mind that anything you post can and, if located by your spouse or his/her lawyer, will be used against you in Court.

Legal disclaimers aside, the website is lousyspouse.com. Its mission statement is to provide support to anyone going through the divorce process. And this includes a forum for venting about everything divorce-related- including your attorney.

Divorce Court: understanding what a Judge can and cannot do

Much of the angst associated with divorce results from a misunderstanding of the court's role in the process. Many times I've heard, as a mediator and as an attorney, "I'll just take it to court", meaning the Judge will make all of this fair for me.

While the courts do strive for fairness, there are limits on what a judge can or cannot do, especially in the current challenging economic times where job losses and foreclosures are on the rise. No matter what the economic situation of a couple is, a judge cannot make a situation fair from an emotional standpoint.

One of the most important things a person can do to avoid a costly divorce is to avoid unrealistic expectations. No one will walk away "with everything" and no judge will decide if your spouse was a good partner to you. In addition to emotional expectations, a person's economic expectations need to be held in check as well.

The information below was excerpted from a divorce magazine article featuring Judge Toler, of Divorce Court fame:

The judiciary is required to provide both fairness and resolution, a difficult thing to do in a divorce. What could be more complicated than untangling lives that have been intertwined on every level for years? How can the law address all of the nuances of everyday life and the entire range of human behavior?

The answer is, it can't. Unfortunately, in order to achieve resolution, sometimes the law must make generalizations with respect to what is fair. So your court's answer to "how do we end this" may seem somewhat arbitrary. Sometimes the law simply has to say: "This is the way we are going to do things."

What the divorce courts say

Canada and many U.S. states, including Florida, have adopted child support guidelines, a mathematical formula in which you plug in the numbers (income and the like) and do the math, and out comes the support amount.

In a community property state, the court looks to divide marital property 50/50, no matter who made what during the course of the marriage.

In an "all property" state, the law may not distinguish between marital and separate property at all.

Canada and most U.S. states (with the notable exception of New York, where fault is an issue in contested divorces) provide no-fault divorces. That means the court will not consider either spouse's misconduct during the marriage in determining support or property division, except in cases where a spouse's misconduct has depleted assets.

These generalizations notwithstanding, it doesn't mean that a judge has no ability to make equitable determinations based on individual circumstances. Judges almost always have some judicial discretion. That's the leeway the law gives to judges in implementing those general rules. Sometimes, the law will give the judge the ability to consider not only the factors outlined by the statute but also any other factors that will promote a just and fair outcome. In some no-fault jurisdictions, a judge can consider a party's misconduct if that party's actions are sufficiently outrageous or depleted the marital assets. Even when the law requires judges to follow mathematical support guidelines, a judge may deviate from them in certain situations, although they are typically required to provide written support for their decision.

In sum, the Court tries to strike a balance between applying the law and being fair. But, in the end, the court gives you the most important thing of all: resolution.